Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Alone
I sit in on the world, listen to its conversations. And as I sit here, I truly feel alone but you are right at home. We are friends but we do not know each other. You are part of that system. Always thinking your way is the best and only way. You do not really think of others, though that is what that system is said to do. You do not feel my pain or see my suffering. I know your kind. I used to call myself part of it. I do not ever think I was proud, and it was not even my decision. Others made that decision for me, but now I am old enough to think what I think. I know the lies you lead. I used to think that they were true; I've seen that warmth and felt that glow of the fire that is really not. I see the thoughts you "own"; see what you think you believe and how there are only smidgens of bits of truth in the lies. You will never understand. You with your sad happiness and hurtful help. You with your "open" mind and "accepting" ways. You with your lies of truth; you are the ones slowly bringing me to an end. You are bringing an end to the one thing that could help you, and you don't even realize it.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Whatever
So, I know it's been a while. A long while, actually, but here I am. I don't feel like writing any thought journals, though. Just kind of a... stream of consciousness, I guess. So here goes.
I'm so tired. not really of people, things, or physically, but I feel that that is the word that best describes me at this moment. Or maybe lost. But not quite lost. I'm here but I'm not, and not in the traditional way that most people say they are physically here but mentally not. I'm not quite sure. I just feel a bit off. I'm facing this huge decision that probably is ridiculous. Actually, I know it's ridiculous.
As most people know, I am one of the biggest Harry Potter die-hard fans there are. I wasn't into it until the first movie (and I know there are some people that say I can't be die-hard because of that, but you're wrong), but after that I immediately read the books and fell in love. I went to the midnight releases of all of the books that my parents would let me, and all of the midnight premieres for the movies that my small town offered. I've read all of the books at LEAST seven times each, and memorized all the dialog to the movies. For Christmas I got the Ultimate Editions of 1 through 4. The Sorcerer's Stone and the Chamber of Secrets have extended editions. I was so excited. This past summer (on our family vacation) I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Boy, was I in heaven. For most of the week that we spent at the park, I was always in Hogsmeade. I woke up every morning and headed in to get myself a butterbeer then ride the Forbidden Journey ride. I then usually had another butterbeer and rode the ride a few more times. I was in love. If you can imagine it, I think it was like what a kid would look like if he saw Santa (the 'real' one, not the cheesy, sketchy ones you see in department stores), or if a preacher saw God. I. love. that. place. I think I mentioned to my parents that I wanted to live there once I retired (I'm 17; no, I'm not delusional and yes, I know that it could never happen. A girl can dream, right?). When I came back home (depressed), I looked at any website that I could find about easter eggs in the park (not real easter eggs; like little surprises that ordinary people wouldn't notice). I found every single easter egg in Hogsmeade. All on my own. My desktop background is still a picture of Hogwarts, however many months later. I still wish I had more time there. Anywho, I love Harry Potter. I'm pretty sure you got that much. But here's something else:
I love being open-minded. If people are arguing, I can see both people's sides. I also love intelligence. Not in the I'm-so-smart-everyone-bow-down-to-me way, but in the I-want-to-broaden-my-horizons way. Pretty deep for a 17 year old girl, right? I like philosophy and thoroughly enjoy deep discussions with my friends. We talk about controversial topics all the time. It gets pretty interesting, and we (almost) never get angry. It's pretty cool, and I'm totally O.K. with having the whole 'nerd' stereotype, because I am one... But I also think I'm a pretty cool person once you get to know me. But anyway, last summer I went to a college prep camp at the University of Dallas called Arete. It was great fun. I met so many other kids like me that actually wanted to learn; they, like me, had a thirst for knowledge. It was so great, being able to have intelligent and mature discussions on a whole new level than what I was used to. I didn't have to deal with the normal idiots that my school has (and believe me, there are a LOT of idiots in my school). Things were great.
Both of those events happened in the same summer. Harry Potter world (squeal!) right after I got out of school for summer, and Arete right before I went to band camp (so, about 3 weeks until school started).
In November I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part one. I saw it (technically) later that day, and again a few days later. I want to see it again, but my stupid small town theater isn't showing it anymore :/ Anywho, I wanted to give all possible information before I let you hear my problem, and I bet there's still a lot of information, minute details, and emotions that I've left out in this. But here's my dilemma, and please, PLEASE don't laugh, call me stupid or shallow, or tell me what's most important and what I'm going to regret. No offense, but you probably don't know me at all, so I'd kind of appreciate it if you wouldn't tell me how to live my life. I wouldn't mind hearing what you would do and why, but don't try and run my life for me. And now that I've got that out of the way (I think...), here we are: Next summer (or this summer... anyway, summer 2011), the FINAL and LAST Harry Potter movie comes out on July 15th. Me and a friend really want to go see it in IMAX for the midnight premiere. We'd drive an hour and wait for four (or more) to see it. That's how bad I want to see it. But Arete II is from July 10th to July 23rd. There's no way my parents would take me out in the middle of the program just for me to "watch a movie that will still be there in another week." I've already talked a little to them. I really want to do both, but (unlike Hermione) I don't have a time-turner, and can't be two places at once. I'd be seeing friends that I made at Arete I for the first time since last summer, but I live close enough that I could go see Shakespeare in the Park with them that Saturday (if I decide not to go to Arete). I'm not quite sure this makes any sense, but it does in my head, and I'm pretty sure that's all that matters at this point. Anyways, I think I should go. I've been typing for about 40 minutes and my brain is getting foggy.
I'm so tired. not really of people, things, or physically, but I feel that that is the word that best describes me at this moment. Or maybe lost. But not quite lost. I'm here but I'm not, and not in the traditional way that most people say they are physically here but mentally not. I'm not quite sure. I just feel a bit off. I'm facing this huge decision that probably is ridiculous. Actually, I know it's ridiculous.
As most people know, I am one of the biggest Harry Potter die-hard fans there are. I wasn't into it until the first movie (and I know there are some people that say I can't be die-hard because of that, but you're wrong), but after that I immediately read the books and fell in love. I went to the midnight releases of all of the books that my parents would let me, and all of the midnight premieres for the movies that my small town offered. I've read all of the books at LEAST seven times each, and memorized all the dialog to the movies. For Christmas I got the Ultimate Editions of 1 through 4. The Sorcerer's Stone and the Chamber of Secrets have extended editions. I was so excited. This past summer (on our family vacation) I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Boy, was I in heaven. For most of the week that we spent at the park, I was always in Hogsmeade. I woke up every morning and headed in to get myself a butterbeer then ride the Forbidden Journey ride. I then usually had another butterbeer and rode the ride a few more times. I was in love. If you can imagine it, I think it was like what a kid would look like if he saw Santa (the 'real' one, not the cheesy, sketchy ones you see in department stores), or if a preacher saw God. I. love. that. place. I think I mentioned to my parents that I wanted to live there once I retired (I'm 17; no, I'm not delusional and yes, I know that it could never happen. A girl can dream, right?). When I came back home (depressed), I looked at any website that I could find about easter eggs in the park (not real easter eggs; like little surprises that ordinary people wouldn't notice). I found every single easter egg in Hogsmeade. All on my own. My desktop background is still a picture of Hogwarts, however many months later. I still wish I had more time there. Anywho, I love Harry Potter. I'm pretty sure you got that much. But here's something else:
I love being open-minded. If people are arguing, I can see both people's sides. I also love intelligence. Not in the I'm-so-smart-everyone-bow-down-to-me way, but in the I-want-to-broaden-my-horizons way. Pretty deep for a 17 year old girl, right? I like philosophy and thoroughly enjoy deep discussions with my friends. We talk about controversial topics all the time. It gets pretty interesting, and we (almost) never get angry. It's pretty cool, and I'm totally O.K. with having the whole 'nerd' stereotype, because I am one... But I also think I'm a pretty cool person once you get to know me. But anyway, last summer I went to a college prep camp at the University of Dallas called Arete. It was great fun. I met so many other kids like me that actually wanted to learn; they, like me, had a thirst for knowledge. It was so great, being able to have intelligent and mature discussions on a whole new level than what I was used to. I didn't have to deal with the normal idiots that my school has (and believe me, there are a LOT of idiots in my school). Things were great.
Both of those events happened in the same summer. Harry Potter world (squeal!) right after I got out of school for summer, and Arete right before I went to band camp (so, about 3 weeks until school started).
In November I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part one. I saw it (technically) later that day, and again a few days later. I want to see it again, but my stupid small town theater isn't showing it anymore :/ Anywho, I wanted to give all possible information before I let you hear my problem, and I bet there's still a lot of information, minute details, and emotions that I've left out in this. But here's my dilemma, and please, PLEASE don't laugh, call me stupid or shallow, or tell me what's most important and what I'm going to regret. No offense, but you probably don't know me at all, so I'd kind of appreciate it if you wouldn't tell me how to live my life. I wouldn't mind hearing what you would do and why, but don't try and run my life for me. And now that I've got that out of the way (I think...), here we are: Next summer (or this summer... anyway, summer 2011), the FINAL and LAST Harry Potter movie comes out on July 15th. Me and a friend really want to go see it in IMAX for the midnight premiere. We'd drive an hour and wait for four (or more) to see it. That's how bad I want to see it. But Arete II is from July 10th to July 23rd. There's no way my parents would take me out in the middle of the program just for me to "watch a movie that will still be there in another week." I've already talked a little to them. I really want to do both, but (unlike Hermione) I don't have a time-turner, and can't be two places at once. I'd be seeing friends that I made at Arete I for the first time since last summer, but I live close enough that I could go see Shakespeare in the Park with them that Saturday (if I decide not to go to Arete). I'm not quite sure this makes any sense, but it does in my head, and I'm pretty sure that's all that matters at this point. Anyways, I think I should go. I've been typing for about 40 minutes and my brain is getting foggy.
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